Info-Tainment Comedy Collection
GETTING READY FOR A HURRICANE!
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Put these supplies into your car.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license, if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille, after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember:
It's great living in Paradise!!!
10 REASONS HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
I heard the Ten Commandments display was removed recently from the Alabama Supreme Court building.
You have to understand. Posting "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a building full of lawyers and politicians would create a totally hostile work environment.
The word politics describes the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
Abbot and Costello in 2004
Remember the Who's on First bit?
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"
COSTELLO:: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why no, they own it.
A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.
to the country the way men talk to women.
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came
to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Cape Cod Whales
There are a bunch of beached whales off of Cape Cod. This could be preparation for another traditional Kennedy family weekend.
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Telecom company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the
others, "Which of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raises hesitantly, to
'Twas the night before Christmas 2001'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!
The whole truth about how important chocolate is in our lives!
Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean equals vegetable, right! Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category......Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem : How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
As you know, U.S. Special Forces have recovered some rather interesting documents from various sites in Afghanistan. You've already heard about the terrorist manual and the plans on how to build a nuclear weapon. Heres one you probably havent heard about. Its just a simple little memo found near the break room in one of the caves.
Monday, October 22, 2001 @ 8:17am
Bin Laden, Osama
We've all be putting in long hours lately but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says There is no I in team as well as the one that says Hang in there baby. That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we cant forget to take care of the cave. Frankly, I have a few concerns.
First of all, while its good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you dont want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave opening.
Second, its not often I make a video address, but when I do Im trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while were taping please dont ride your razor scooters in the background just while were taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, were not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. Were all in this together.
Fourth, food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly wrote Osama on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration, thats all Im saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard.
Love you lots.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
The US Air Force Aircraft Discrepancy Report
This one has been floating around the net. It is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.
The Bible Has The Answers!A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
Roman Catholic Boys & The PopeThere were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
All FBI Agents Want Pizza
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
Political Christmas Guide
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
What goes around, comes around baby!!!!!!
An Alleged True Story
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON'T know!
New Golf Rules
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South
Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Why can't I win?
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
This is an actual case!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told
the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the
lawyer 3 months to track down.
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back
to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back
to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was
purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our
application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to
U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492
by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking
a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious
woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the
Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that
He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of
origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our
They got it.
Traffic Ticket - I must have been more on target than I thought!
On April 15, 2000 I sent out an email as part of my Info-Tainment email list. Apparently there was more Info & Tainment to my email than I ever imagined. Read the response sent to me by someone who apparently received this message many generations later. You will find my reply to her email commentary immediately following. Enjoy!
If You Get A Traffic Ticket
Mr. George Dorunda,
Months Later... (This is the fictional part of the comedy. This NOTICE is especially for the Attorney "types", some of whom may find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction.)
I can see it now. Newsflash- Lunch with the entertainment Greats raided by Conn State Police-
The CT. State Police in conjunction with the Mass gang task force today raided a meeting of terrorists and malcontents and charged many of the participants with crimes against the state. In a statement prepared by Lt. Andrukiewicz of the Conn State Police we learned that the group was under surveillance for some time. "These people are a threat to the fabric of our society, luckily we learned of their activities before they could cause great damage." When asked what the nature of the charges were the Lt. replied "That's on a need to know basis". Witnesses to the raid said they thought at first that the police were responding to a choking victim at the restaurant until they saw the swat team. They observed several police struggling with some rather large men who were shouting jokes as they were leading them to waiting paddy wagons. "It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen" reported one of the workers at The Hometown Buffet who complained that he had been roughed up by the police. "One minute I'm serving hash browns and eggs, the next I'm looking down the barrel of a sub-machine gun. I thought that it was just a former Shriners Clowns Club breakfast or something, not terrorists". One of the accused was heard shouting "I'm a Megastar and damn proud of it". When asked who this Megastar group was that no one seems to have heard of before police replied " We have been watching them for some time now, they are a dangerous group. The appropriate government agencies have been informed" The district attorneys office also refused comment on the raid, claiming executive privilege.
Jesus & Finkelstein
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.
After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.
When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge.
But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."
Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop.
There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.
"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein it is.
"Would you consider a partnership?"
"Sure," replies Jesus, "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."
"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all I am the craftsman."
The two of them debate this for some time.
Finally, they come to a compromise decision....
The new sign went up: Lord & Tailor.
Truth About Health & Fitness
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.
Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this? A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart! A: Sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.
Guide for changing oil -
Professionally & Do It Yourself
You think a gallon of gasoline
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
St. Peter's Gate
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading
through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St.
Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."
Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following
Happy New Year!
A Wish For The New Millennium...
A Politically Correct Holiday
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
Christmas Carols with a new Twist!
Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went
to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and
said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked
up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 17, success is "gettin a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is about "gettin a little"
At age 85, success is about not peeing in your pants.
Bill Of Rights! George Style!
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of
people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a New Bill of
Words Of Wisdom?
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Constipated people don't give a shit!!
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Please tell your pants its not polite to point!
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Ax me about Ebonics
CAT: The other white meat
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision ... I just don't give a damn.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at A
McDonald's fast-food establishment........And they hired him!
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
What The Television Production Terms REALLY Mean!
Pictures. Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat out of its case in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of the Shooter's car. Without video television would be exactly like radio, except that on radio they sometimes stop talking during the music.
Part of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has to accompany the video.
Someone who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.
Someone who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital stopwatch.
(1) What the director thinks he is.
(2) Anyone who understands that Pixels are not tiny little flying things with names like Tinkerbell.
What everyone else thinks the director is.
(1) A piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause the device to stop working at the most inopportune times.
(2) Someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount of video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to 30 years older than he is.
(3) Individual with the ability to create the illusion that the talent can speak coherently.
(1) In television, not much is known about them other than they work Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends.
(2) Someone who drives a train.
(1) The guy who sleeps in the storeroom.
(2) A disgruntled US Postal Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are disgruntled. The rest are quite happily gruntled.)
(1) Type of haircut favored by engineers.
(2) The people who do the work for which the director and producer take all the credit.
A person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the latest Racing Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that something is about to happen, but can't convey what it is.
During a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're confident.
A person who purchases a lot of tape.
What the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.
Anyone whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.
Anyone who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when the Assistant tells him to.
Someone who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make a lot more money by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.
Bastard child of the Apple ][computer, which puts letters and numbers on the screen. Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract them from noticing all the dropout in the video.
(1) Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which, when pushed on cue, cause the director to scream.
(2) The pretty-boy male news anchor's sexual preference.
(1) A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.
(2) What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.
(1) What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial.
(2) Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.
(1) A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place.
(2) The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before they are tossed overboard.
A device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room. When preparing it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities of coffee, tea or Jolt Cola.
Device normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the handles should be toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)
(1) A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour will cause your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a crew cut. Standing too close for more than one hour will turn you into an engineer.
(2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.
A too small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.
Something for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but not build). Sets must be changed every six months or so.
(1) What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive debt load.
(2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director to get something right.
What everyone has except the people in front of the camera.
What the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is counting backwards.
MIC (pronounced Mike)
(1) Abbreviation for Microphone
(2) What you NEVER call a director whose name is Michael.
(1) Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see through it. Works best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a hot day in August.
(2) Stuff that holds the set together.
(1) What the director did when he was sixteen.
(2) Schmotz in the picture that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French fry grease is played back.
The main reason for the existence of television.
Material to fill the time between the commercials.
(1) The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just one more" commercial per hour.
(2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for not getting back to the station in time to air the feature.
"THE GOOD OLD DAYS"
Still around in this business.
Rules Women Need to Know
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEMS MATERIAL SAFETY -
Has anyone ever observed that some people who appear to be intelligently deprived, often end up in very high places with gobs and gobs of cash, and then subsequently shake your head in bewilderment asking yourself...how??...Why?? Well, there is a mathematical explanation for this rather common occurrence as indicated by the below algebraic derivation.
1. Knowledge = Power (Proverbial expression)
2. Time = Money (Proverbial expression)
3. Power = Work / Time (Physical equation)
Substituting knowledge for power
4. Knowledge = Work / Time
Substituting money for time
5. Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for money
6. Money = Work / Knowledge
As money approaches infinity, knowledge approaches 0. Therefore, THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL HAVE, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO!!
There you have it. Maybe we should just all go out and drink some beers.
The Truth about Fur Haters!
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs!
GOD AND THE GOVERNMENT
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
THE POPE & JACK NICKLAUS
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the outcome of the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
FOUL MOUTHED PARROT
There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much.
The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.
The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.
At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer!
For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at words at the top of his lungs.
He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.
Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
THE MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT
A magician was performing on a cruise ship. He had a 3-year contract with this cruise line and was assigned to this ship for the duration. Every night he gave 2 performances of his act to a full house of magic enthusiasts. Attending every performance was a parrot owned by the Captain of the ship.
After watching the magician's act night after night after night, the parrot was able to figure out how the magician did each of his tricks. The parrot would then heckle the magician by revealing how each trick was done before the magician could complete each trick. The parrot would say things like, "under the other table," and, "that's not the same box." The magician was extremely irritated but couldn't do anything because this was the Captain's prize parrot.
A few weeks later there was a terrible storm and the cruise ship sank. The magician found himself afloat in the middle of the ocean on a piece of driftwood with, yes; you've guessed it, the parrot. The parrot didn't say a word as they both stared at each other for days.
After several days the parrot finally spoke. He said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship."
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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Updated - Tuesday, December 30, 2008 11:38:22 PM