The word politics describes the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women.

They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right."

And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.

HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Telecom company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now.  You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raises hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the secretary!"

'Twas the night before Christmas 2001

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

The whole truth about how important chocolate is in our lives!

Chocolate

Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean equals vegetable, right! Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category......Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted  chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem : How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

DOCUMENTS RECOVERED? 

As you know, U.S. Special Forces have recovered some rather interesting documents from various sites in Afghanistan.  You've already heard about the terrorist manual and the plans on how to build a nuclear weapon.  Here’s one you probably haven’t heard about.  It’s just a simple little memo found near the break room in one of the caves.

MEMORANDUM

Monday, October 22, 2001 @ 8:17am

FM:      Bin Laden, Osama
TO:      All Cavemates
RE:      The Cave 

Hi guys.

We've all be putting in long hours lately but we've really come together as a group and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’” as well as the one that says “Hang in there baby.”  That cat is hilarious. 

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave.  Frankly, I have a few concerns. 

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave.  Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.  I've posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address, but when I do I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay?  That means that while we’re taping please don’t ride your razor scooters in the background … just while we’re taping.  Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards.  But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime.  We’re all in this together.

Fourth, food.  I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly wrote “Osama” on the front and put it on the top shelf.  Today my Cheez-Its were gone.  Consideration, that’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.  I want to set up patrols to look for them.  The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard. 

Love you lots.

Osama.

Rap

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

The US Air Force Aircraft Discrepancy Report

This one has been floating around the net. It is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.

• Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
• Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•  
• Problem: "Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough."
• Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
•  
• Problem#1: "No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
• Solution#1: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal."
• Problem #2: "No. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
•  
• Problem: "The autopilot doesn't"
• Solution: "It does now."
•  
• Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
• Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
•  
• Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on the right main landing gear."
• Solution: "Evidence removed."
•  
• Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
• Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
•  
• Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
• Solution: "Live bugs on order."
•  
• Problem: "Autopilit in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
• Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
•  
• Problem: "IFF inoperative.
• Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

• Problem "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
• Solution: "That's what they're there for."
•  
• Problem: "Number three engine missing."
• Solution:"Engine found under right wing after brief search."

The Bible Has The Answers!

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Roman Catholic Boys & The Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

All FBI Agents Want Pizza

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f-in' way.

*Click*

Political Christmas Guide

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Christmas Downsizing

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

What goes around, comes around baby!!!!!!

An Alleged True Story

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,   take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.  After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It  would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I  made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and  I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"  He  went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,  "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Keep reading this, it gets better!

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden this black BMW comes  flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed  he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote  down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!"  It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone  number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell  me where I can see it?". "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your   name?". "My name is Don Hansen". "When's a good time to catch you, Don?".  "I'm home in the evenings". "Listen Don, can I tell you something?".

"Yes."

 "Don, you're an asshole!" and I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

 First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I yelled "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."  I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over right  now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

 Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole!"  He said, "If I ever find out who you are...." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your  ass."  "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" and I hung up.

 Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street.

 After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

New Golf Rules

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.  He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.

Why can't I win?
I want to have a new drawing of Wed. lottery tickets.   Its not just the Florida ballots....
 I feel that a great injustice has happened to me in the past week!!   I played the Florida Lotto on Wednesday night November 8, 2000.  I had every intention of winning otherwise I would not have gone to the trouble of driving to the gas station to purchase my ticket, however, it wasn't until after the drawing that I realized that I had BY ACCIDENT  filled in the wrong numbers on my lotto card.
 Instead of picking the winning combination I somehow became confused and filled in the WRONG NUMBERS!!!  I will take action against the lottery commission seeking only the  amount of Wednesday's Jackpot. I will be retaining Johnny Cochran  to represent me in court and Jesse Jackson has agreed to handle all public relations regarding this matter. If this has happened to anyone
else please e-mail me so that this grave injustice is corrected--

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes,."
"Great!  I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.  I saw a beautiful mink coat...  It is absolutely gorgeous!!  Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ...  and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ...   it's on sale!!  Remember?  The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000...  a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  OK?"
"OK, sweetie...  Thanks!  I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"
"Bye...  I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating
the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"  To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

This is an actual case!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope  you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our   loan?"

They got it.

Cost Effectively,

Charles A. Walsh

Traffic Ticket - I must have been more on target than I thought!

Jesus & Finkelstein

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.

After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge.

But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop.

There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein it is.

"Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure," replies Jesus, "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all I am the craftsman."

The two of them debate this for some time.

Finally, they come to a compromise decision....

The new sign went up: Lord & Tailor.

Truth About Health & Fitness

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.

Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient  mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.

Guide for changing oil - Professionally & Do It Yourself
  Oil Change Instructions (professional mechanic required):
  1) Pull up to garage when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2) Drink a cup of coffee.
  3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
  Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
  $1.00 for coffee
  Total: $21.00

  Oil Change instructions for Do It Yourself Procedure:
  1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,hand cleaner and a scented tree.
  2) Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3) Open a beer and drink it.
  4) Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7) Place drain pan under engine.
  8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10) Unscrew drain plug.
  11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
  12) Clean up mess.
  13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14) Look for oil filter wrench.
  15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
  16) Beer.
  17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20) Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.
  21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
  27) Drink beer.
  28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
  29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  30) Drink beer.
  31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
  33) Begin cussing fit.
  34) Throw wrench.
  35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
  36) Beer.
  37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  38) Beer.
  39) Beer.
  40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41) Beer.
  42) Lower car from jack stands.
  43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
  44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  45) Beer.
  46) Test drive car.
  47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  48) Car gets impounded.
  49) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
  Money spent: $50.00 parts
  $25.00 beer
  $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to match!!!
  $1000.00 Bail
  $200.00 Impound and towing fee
  ______________
  Total: $ 1350.00

You think a gallon of gasoline is expensive?

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals $10.00 per gallon
Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals $12.72 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $84.48 per gallon
 And this is the REAL KICKER......
 Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $21.19 per gallon
 $21.19 FOR WATER!!
You get the idea?? So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
1.  Thoroughly clean the toilet, but not that clean.
2.  Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3.  Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "powerwash"and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6.  Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8.  The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Can you imagine working at the following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Happy New Year!

A Wish For The New Millennium...

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.

May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.

May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse your masseuse, your hairdresser, your White House Intern or your tennis instructor.

May we live as intended, in a world at peace and with an awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

A Politically Correct Holiday Season......?

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,  low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday,  practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all; and a fiscally  successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of the wishee.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa.  Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD).  If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." 

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.  You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible?  And you know she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.  It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.  The chicken was delicious."

Christmas Carols with a new Twist!

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia,
All is Flat, All is Lonely.

(Dictionary: anhedonia = Total loss of feeling of pleasure  in acts that  normally give pleasure.)

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
  On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
  (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole was next in line and goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. She looked it up and decided that "diesel fitter" was a skilled job. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: "When I looked it up, panty stitchers were  unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on.  He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".

Success!

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is.   Really it all depends on your age.  Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 17, success is "gettin a little"

At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

At age 65, success is about "gettin a little"

At age 85, success is about not peeing in your pants.

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."