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Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:


(1) There is no need to panic.


(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:




Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.




Put these supplies into your car.




Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:




If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and


(2) It is located in Nebraska.


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.




Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:


Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.


Hurricane Proofing Your Property:


As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.




If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license, if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).


The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.




If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.


In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:


23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)


A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.


A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)


A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille, after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)


$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember:


It's great living in Paradise!!!


10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
9. You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.
8. If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally everyday of the month.
3. A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun doesn't mind if you sleep after you use it.
1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.


I heard the Ten Commandments display was removed recently from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You have to understand. Posting "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a building full of lawyers and politicians would create a totally hostile work environment.


The word politics describes the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Abbot and Costello in 2004

Remember the Who's on First bit?

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"
COSTELLO:: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why no,
they own it.

A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women.

They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right."

And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.


While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Cape Cod Whales

There are a bunch of beached whales off of Cape Cod. This could be preparation for another traditional Kennedy family weekend.

Cannibal Engineers

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Telecom company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now.  You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raises hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the secretary!"

'Twas the night before Christmas 2001

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

The whole truth about how important chocolate is in our lives!


Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean equals vegetable, right! Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category......Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted  chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem : How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?


As you know, U.S. Special Forces have recovered some rather interesting documents from various sites in Afghanistan.  You've already heard about the terrorist manual and the plans on how to build a nuclear weapon.  Here’s one you probably haven’t heard about.  It’s just a simple little memo found near the break room in one of the caves.


Monday, October 22, 2001 @ 8:17am

FM:      Bin Laden, Osama
TO:      All Cavemates
RE:      The Cave 

Hi guys.

We've all be putting in long hours lately but we've really come together as a group and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’” as well as the one that says “Hang in there baby.”  That cat is hilarious. 

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave.  Frankly, I have a few concerns. 

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave.  Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.  I've posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address, but when I do I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay?  That means that while we’re taping please don’t ride your razor scooters in the background … just while we’re taping.  Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards.  But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime.  We’re all in this together.

Fourth, food.  I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly wrote “Osama” on the front and put it on the top shelf.  Today my Cheez-Its were gone.  Consideration, that’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.  I want to set up patrols to look for them.  The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard. 

Love you lots.



Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

The US Air Force Aircraft Discrepancy Report

This one has been floating around the net. It is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.

  • Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  • Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  • Problem: "Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  • Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
  • Problem#1: "No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
  • Solution#1: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal."
  • Problem #2: "No. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
  • Problem: "The autopilot doesn't"
  • Solution: "It does now."
  • Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
  • Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
  • Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on the right main landing gear."
  • Solution: "Evidence removed."
  • Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  • Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
  • Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
  • Solution: "Live bugs on order."
  • Problem: "Autopilit in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
  • Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
  • Problem: "IFF inoperative.
  • Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
  • Problem "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  • Solution: "That's what they're there for."
  • Problem: "Number three engine missing."
  • Solution:"Engine found under right wing after brief search."

What they really mean when they say...

A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable! It actually worked.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

E-mail me (or fax me) the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

The Bible Has The Answers!

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"


"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"


"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"


"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Roman Catholic Boys & The Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

All FBI Agents Want Pizza

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f-in' way.


Political Christmas Guide

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Christmas Downsizing

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

What goes around, comes around baby!!!!!!

An Alleged True Story

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,   take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.  After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It  would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I  made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and  I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"  He  went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,  "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Keep reading this, it gets better!

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden this black BMW comes  flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed  he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote  down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!"  It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone  number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell  me where I can see it?". "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your   name?". "My name is Don Hansen". "When's a good time to catch you, Don?".  "I'm home in the evenings". "Listen Don, can I tell you something?".


 "Don, you're an asshole!" and I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

 First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I yelled "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."  I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over right  now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

 Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole!"  He said, "If I ever find out who you are...." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your  ass."  "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" and I hung up.

 Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street.

 After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

New Golf Rules

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.  He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.

Why can't I win?
I want to have a new drawing of Wed. lottery tickets.   Its not just the Florida ballots....
 I feel that a great injustice has happened to me in the past week!!   I played the Florida Lotto on Wednesday night November 8, 2000.  I had every intention of winning otherwise I would not have gone to the trouble of driving to the gas station to purchase my ticket, however, it wasn't until after the drawing that I realized that I had BY ACCIDENT  filled in the wrong numbers on my lotto card.
 Instead of picking the winning combination I somehow became confused and filled in the WRONG NUMBERS!!!  I will take action against the lottery commission seeking only the  amount of Wednesday's Jackpot. I will be retaining Johnny Cochran  to represent me in court and Jesse Jackson has agreed to handle all public relations regarding this matter. If this has happened to anyone
else please e-mail me so that this grave injustice is corrected--


There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great!  I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.  I saw a beautiful mink coat...  It is absolutely gorgeous!!  Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ...  and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ...   it's on sale!!  Remember?  The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000...  a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  OK?"
"OK, sweetie...  Thanks!  I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"
"Bye...  I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating
the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"  To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

This is an actual case!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope  you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our   loan?"

They got it.

Cost Effectively,

Charles A. Walsh

Traffic Ticket - I must have been more on target than I thought!

On April 15, 2000 I sent out an email as part of my Info-Tainment email list. Apparently there was more Info & Tainment to my email than I ever imagined. Read the response sent to me by someone who apparently received this message many generations later. You will find my reply to her email commentary immediately following. Enjoy!

If You Get A Traffic Ticket

                                                         This has been tried and it works.....

I tried to send this to everyone I know.  I know for a fact this works so if you ever get in this situation, you have an out.  This procedure works
in every state.  Read it and try it, you have nothing to lose but the points on your license.  If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or
whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a
method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points.

When you get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say, $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount over
the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here is the trick!
                            DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK !!
Throw it away!!  Points are not assessed to your license until all financial transactions are complete.  If you do not cash the check, then the
transactions are NOT complete.  However, the system has gotten its money and is happy and will not bother you anymore.
This information comes from an unmentionable computer company that sets up the standard database used by each states DMV.  Good luck!!!

OR Go to court and fight the ticket... Your choice...

From: Caroline
To: <>
Sent: Tuesday, June 06, 2000 3:47 PM
Subject: Traffic Violation

Mr. George Dorunda,

First of all, I just have to say you are surely not showing your intelligence very clearly in the mass e-mail mailing I just received with
your name as the author of it.  This email was regarding what to do to not get the points put on your license if you get a traffic violation.  What in your right or left mind made you let out this information to such a large amount of people?  If you had the intelligence most do, you would think ahead and say to yourself, if this gets into the wrong hands (such as the people whose computer systems we back up who handle the tickets we send in) they would fix the problem and then this method would no longer work.   As my father is a Connecticut State Trooper, who has served for over 15 years in the force, I have known this information for quite some time and have also had the smarts to keep my mouth shut about it so as it would not fall into the wrong hands resulting in the gliche in the computer system to be fixed so this method would no longer work.
I just must say thank you, for spreading around information like this in mass mailings who you do not know half the people you are sending to.
You are really showing your true colors on this one, Mr. Megastar.


First of all you should get your facts straight. Anyone I sent the original email to is on my list and I know these people. Wherever it goes from there is out of my hands. I am quite sure that you are not on my mailing list. If you "have known this information for quite some time" why haven't you fixed the problem. Or is this some sort of secret information your type likes to keep to yourself. I wonder how often you have used this system for your own personal gains. For some reason, you seem to be concerned that the system may be repaired. Don't question my reason for making public information more public. Look in the mirror and question your self-centered activities. Ah yes, that is the methodology of you folks in Connecticut. Play politics and keep all of the quirks of the system to yourself for your own personal gains. I sincerely hope they do "fix the system" so your schemes will be put out of business.

I welcome your response but I doubt I will ever hear from you again. Hurry and pay last weeks ticket. They may fix the system.

George Dorunda
(352) 330-1857
Fax: (781) 998-6129

From: Caroline
To: 'George Dorunda' <>
Sent: Wednesday, June 07, 2000 12:13 PM
Subject: RE: Traffic Violation


In my profession I have grown to always have the last word, although I do not have a lot of time to waste on this immature little game of yours you incorporated by such a rude response.  First off, Mr. George Dorunda, there is no reason why I or anyone for that matter should want this "gliche" fixed.  When you get anything remotely referred to as a "break" you take it George.  The way our ill fouled government runs things disgusts me and I take anything they give, whether it be known or not, as I am sure you do, as do most Americans. I found it quite amusing that you refer to me as a "type."  Yes, George, I suppose I do fit into a bracket as an Attorney, the "type" who locks your so-called "type" of non-attorney's up. Also, the "self centered" comment was entirely wrong.  I am an individual to not pass judgement on other until having solid evidence to back up my reasoning with.  It comes with my profession, George.  You, on the contrary, are showing your immaturity by forming opinions based on your ignorance of the subject.   Do not pass judgment on me, Mr. George Dorunda, when I was simply questioning your reasoning, which I did not expect to turn into anything.
And where is it documented that I agree with the Methodology of CT?  How quirk of you to assume such a thing. As I depart you and end this email, I also wanted to thank you, for putting a smile on my face when you wrote "Hurry and pay last weeks ticket. They may fix the system."  With all seriousness, very humerous Mr. Dorunda.
Enjoy your day George, may you please have the decency to learn a little
about passing judgement on those who mean no wrong, as well.
Caroline Andrukiewicz, Esq.


I am happy that you found the humor which is usually my goal. We obviously have a difference of opinion but that is what America is all about. For the record, it is highly unlikely that you will ever lock my so-called "type" up. At least not me personally. Perhaps you should look less at the "seriousness" and more at the "humorous" side of situations. You may find that you have a lot more in common with those you think you disagree with. Plus, it keeps a smile on your face. I'm glad I was able to do something
which affected you in a positive way.

Have a wonderful day,

George Dorunda (or as you refer to me as "Mr. Megastar"...I like that better)

George Dorunda
(352) 330-1857
Fax: (781) 998-6129

Months Later... (This is the fictional part of the comedy. This NOTICE is especially for the Attorney "types", some of whom may find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction.)

I can see it now. Newsflash- Lunch with the entertainment Greats raided by Conn State Police-

The CT. State Police in conjunction with the Mass gang task force today raided a meeting of terrorists and malcontents and charged many of the participants with crimes against the state. In a statement prepared by Lt. Andrukiewicz of the Conn State Police we learned that the group was under surveillance for some time. "These people are a threat to the fabric of our society, luckily we learned of their activities before they could cause great damage." When asked what the nature of the charges were the Lt. replied "That's on a need to know basis". Witnesses to the raid said they thought at first that the police were responding to a choking victim at the restaurant until they saw the swat team. They observed several police struggling with some rather large men who were shouting jokes as they were leading them to waiting paddy wagons. "It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen" reported one of the workers at The Hometown Buffet who complained that he had been roughed up by the police. "One minute I'm serving hash browns and eggs, the next I'm looking down the barrel of a sub-machine gun. I thought that it was just a former Shriners Clowns Club breakfast or something, not terrorists". One of the accused was heard shouting "I'm a Megastar and damn proud of it". When asked who this Megastar group was that no one seems to have heard of before police replied " We have been watching them for some time now, they are a dangerous group. The appropriate government agencies have been informed" The district attorneys office also refused comment on the raid, claiming executive privilege.

Jesus & Finkelstein

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.

After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge.

But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop.

There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein it is.

"Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure," replies Jesus, "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all I am the craftsman."

The two of them debate this for some time.

Finally, they come to a compromise decision....

The new sign went up: Lord & Tailor.

Truth About Health & Fitness

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.

Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient  mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.

Guide for changing oil - Professionally & Do It Yourself
  Oil Change Instructions (professional mechanic required):
  1) Pull up to garage when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2) Drink a cup of coffee.
  3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
  Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
  $1.00 for coffee
  Total: $21.00

  Oil Change instructions for Do It Yourself Procedure:
  1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,hand cleaner and a scented tree.
  2) Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3) Open a beer and drink it.
  4) Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7) Place drain pan under engine.
  8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10) Unscrew drain plug.
  11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
  12) Clean up mess.
  13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14) Look for oil filter wrench.
  15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
  16) Beer.
  17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20) Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.
  21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
  27) Drink beer.
  28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
  29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  30) Drink beer.
  31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
  33) Begin cussing fit.
  34) Throw wrench.
  35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
  36) Beer.
  37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  38) Beer.
  39) Beer.
  40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41) Beer.
  42) Lower car from jack stands.
  43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
  44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  45) Beer.
  46) Test drive car.
  47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  48) Car gets impounded.
  49) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
  Money spent: $50.00 parts
  $25.00 beer
  $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to match!!!
  $1000.00 Bail
  $200.00 Impound and towing fee
  Total: $ 1350.00

You think a gallon of gasoline is expensive?

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals $10.00 per gallon
Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals $12.72 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $84.48 per gallon
 And this is the REAL KICKER......
 Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $21.19 per gallon
 $21.19 FOR WATER!!
You get the idea?? So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

1.  Thoroughly clean the toilet, but not that clean.
2.  Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3.  Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "powerwash"and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6.  Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8.  The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.


The Dog

St. Peter's Gate

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm... Well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Can you imagine working at the following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Happy New Year!

A Wish For The New Millennium...

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.

May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.

May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse your masseuse, your hairdresser, your White House Intern or your tennis instructor.

May we live as intended, in a world at peace and with an awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

A Politically Correct Holiday Season......?

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,  low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday,  practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all; and a fiscally  successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of the wishee.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa.  Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD).  If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." 

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.  You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible?  And you know she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.  It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.  The chicken was delicious."

Christmas Carols with a new Twist!

Do you Hear What I Hear?

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia,
All is Flat, All is Lonely.

(Dictionary: anhedonia = Total loss of feeling of pleasure  in acts that  normally give pleasure.)

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

  On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
  (and then took it all away).

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole was next in line and goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. She looked it up and decided that "diesel fitter" was a skilled job. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: "When I looked it up, panty stitchers were  unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on.  He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".


Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is.   Really it all depends on your age.  Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 17, success is "gettin a little"

At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

At age 65, success is about "gettin a little"

At age 85, success is about not peeing in your pants.

Bill Of Rights! George Style!

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a New Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Words Of Wisdom?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Constipated people don't give a shit!!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Please tell your pants its not polite to point!

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Ax me about Ebonics

CAT: The other white meat


I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision ... I just don't give a damn.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at A McDonald's fast-food establishment........And they hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth. My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.

What The Television Production Terms REALLY Mean!


Pictures. Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat out of its case in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of the Shooter's car. Without video television would be exactly like radio, except that on radio they sometimes stop talking during the music.


Part of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has to accompany the video.


Someone who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.


Someone who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital stopwatch.


(1) What the director thinks he is.

(2) Anyone who understands that Pixels are not tiny little flying things with names like Tinkerbell.


What everyone else thinks the director is.


(1) A piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause the device to stop working at the most inopportune times.

(2) Someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount of video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to 30 years older than he is.

(3) Individual with the ability to create the illusion that the talent can speak coherently.


(1) In television, not much is known about them other than they work Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends.

(2) Someone who drives a train.


(1) The guy who sleeps in the storeroom.

(2) A disgruntled US Postal Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are disgruntled. The rest are quite happily gruntled.)


(1) Type of haircut favored by engineers.

(2) The people who do the work for which the director and producer take all the credit.


A person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the latest Racing Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that something is about to happen, but can't convey what it is.


During a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're confident.


A person who purchases a lot of tape.


What the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.


Anyone whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.


Anyone who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when the Assistant tells him to.


Someone who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make a lot more money by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.


Bastard child of the Apple ][computer, which puts letters and numbers on the screen. Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract them from noticing all the dropout in the video.


(1) Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which, when pushed on cue, cause the director to scream.

(2) The pretty-boy male news anchor's sexual preference.


(1) A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.

(2) What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.


(1) What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial.

(2) Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.


(1) A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place.

(2) The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before they are tossed overboard.


A device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room. When preparing it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities of coffee, tea or Jolt Cola.


Device normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the handles should be toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)


(1) A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour will cause your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a crew cut. Standing too close for more than one hour will turn you into an engineer.

(2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.


A too small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.


Something for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but not build). Sets must be changed every six months or so.


(1) What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive debt load.

(2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director to get something right.


What everyone has except the people in front of the camera.


What the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is counting backwards.

MIC (pronounced Mike)

(1) Abbreviation for Microphone

(2) What you NEVER call a director whose name is Michael.


(1) Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see through it. Works best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a hot day in August.

(2) Stuff that holds the set together.


(1) What the director did when he was sixteen.

(2) Schmotz in the picture that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French fry grease is played back.


The main reason for the existence of television.


Material to fill the time between the commercials.


(1) The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just one more" commercial per hour.

(2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for not getting back to the station in time to air the feature.


Still around in this business.

Rules Women Need to Know

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.


ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lbs. but known to vary from 100 to 500 LB
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements in most others.
1. Surface is usually covered in a powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, Freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points.
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. Most Powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Possession of more than one are considered illegal.

Element: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Mass: 180 LB +/- 100 LB
Common Name: Varies anywhere from John to !@#&"!
1. Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape.
2. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
3. Difficult to find a pure sample.
4. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
1. Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
2. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
3. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element kid) for a prolonged period of time.
4. Pretty basic.
5. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
1. None really, except methane production.
2. Good samples are able to produces large quantities on command.
1. In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Algebraic Derivation

Has anyone ever observed that some people who appear to be intelligently deprived, often end up in very high places with gobs and gobs of cash, and then subsequently shake your head in bewilderment asking Well, there is a mathematical explanation for this rather common occurrence as indicated by the below algebraic derivation.

1. Knowledge = Power (Proverbial expression)

2. Time = Money (Proverbial expression)

3. Power = Work / Time (Physical equation)

Substituting knowledge for power

4. Knowledge = Work / Time

Substituting money for time

5. Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for money

6. Money = Work / Knowledge

As money approaches infinity, knowledge approaches 0. Therefore, THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL HAVE, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO!!

There you have it. Maybe we should just all go out and drink some beers.

The Truth about Fur Haters!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs!


In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."

The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.


The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the outcome of the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."


There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much.

The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.

The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.

At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer!

For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at words at the top of his lungs.

He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


A magician was performing on a cruise ship. He had a 3-year contract with this cruise line and was assigned to this ship for the duration. Every night he gave 2 performances of his act to a full house of magic enthusiasts. Attending every performance was a parrot owned by the Captain of the ship.

After watching the magician's act night after night after night, the parrot was able to figure out how the magician did each of his tricks. The parrot would then heckle the magician by revealing how each trick was done before the magician could complete each trick. The parrot would say things like, "under the other table," and, "that's not the same box." The magician was extremely irritated but couldn't do anything because this was the Captain's prize parrot.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm and the cruise ship sank. The magician found himself afloat in the middle of the ocean on a piece of driftwood with, yes; you've guessed it, the parrot. The parrot didn't say a word as they both stared at each other for days.

After several days the parrot finally spoke. He said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship."


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:

"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." 


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Updated - Tuesday, December 30, 2008 11:38:22 PM