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Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2005


A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards and asked the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk replied, "What denomination?"

The blonde said, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

Upgrading From Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!


All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

ALERT: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Upgrading From Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0

HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change.

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes, which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely.

Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful, as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system, which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately longtime to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of your work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will need software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware, which can be plugged into any of your ports.

Christmas and Holidays Wishes for the Politically Correct

Please accept with, no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


This question has been circulating throughout the media. Everyone is still guessing. However, I, through the use of my extremely fertile mind, now have the answers to this and a few other important questions.

What kind of car would Jesus drive? The answer is right in the bible. Jesus drove a Honda Accord. The bible clearly states that Jesus never spoke of his own Accord, which means that Jesus drove a Honda Accord but he never spoke of it because he was ashamed to be driving that type of car. He probably wanted to drive something more prestigious, however, the Greens talked him into driving the Honda.

This leads us to another question. What kind of car does GOD drive? Again, the answer is simple. We turn, once again, to the bible. GOD drives a 1967 Plymouth Fury (I believe that 1967 was the last year Chrysler made the Plymouth Fury and we can only assume that GOD would drive the most recent model) because it says right in the bible that GOD drove Adam and Eve out of Eden in a Fury.

Another question arose. What car does the Devil drive? While not officially documented, there is only one obvious car for the Devil. That would be the Mazda 666.

By the way, Moses didn't drive a car. Moses drove a motorcycle as it states in the bible that the sound of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout the land.


100 Jeffries Passage, Surrey
99 Prince Albert Court, Surrey
98 Nork Rise, Surrey
97 Brown Willy, Cornwall
96 Great Tosson, Northumberland
95 Trump Street, London
94 St. Mellons, Cardiff
93 Percy Passage, London
92 Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
91 Nether Wallop, Hampshire
90 Honeypot Lane, Leicestershire
89 Mudchute, London
88 Juggs Close, East Sussex
87 Cockermouth Green, Newcastle
86 Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
85 Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk
84 Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
83 Titlington Mount, Northumberland
82 Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
81 Hooker Road, Norwich
80 Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
79 Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
78 Ugley, Essex
77 Pratts Bottom, Kent
76 Ramsbottom Lane, Greater Manchester
75 Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
74 Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
73 Upper Dicker, East Sussex
72 Swell, Somerset
71 Bladda, Paisley
70 Snatchup, Hertfordshire
69 Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
68 Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
67 Pump Alley, Middlesex
66 Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
65 Long Lover Lane, Halifax
64 East Breast, Inverclyde
63 Dicks Mount, Suffolk
62 Staines , Surrey
61 Crapstone, Devon
60 Three Cocks, Powys
59 Feltwell, Norfolk
58 Pant, Shropshire
57 Balls Cross, West Sussex
56 Ogle Close, Merseyside
55 Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
54 North Piddle, Worcestershire
53 Mincing Lane, London
52 Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
51 Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
50 Winkle Street, Southampton
49 Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire
48 Upperthong, West Yorkshire
47 Tosside, Lancashire
46 The Furry, Cornwall
45 Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
44 Lickers Lane, Merseyside
43 Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
42 Boghead, Ayrshire
41 The Bush, Buckinghamshire
40 Hill o'Many Stanes, Scotland
39 Grope Lane, Shropshire
38 Willey, Warwickshire
37 Happy Bottom, Dorset
36 Feltham Close, Hampshire
35 The Knob, Oxfordshire
34 Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
33 Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
32 Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
31 Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
30 Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
29 Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
28 Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
27 Pork Lane, Essex
26 Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
25 Wetwang, East Yorkshire
24 Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
23 Swallow Passage, London
22 Lickey End, Worcestershire
21 Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
20 Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
19 Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
18 Lickfold, West Sussex
17 Dick Court, Lanarkshire
16 Beaver Close, Surrey
15 Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
14 Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
13 Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire
12 Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
11 Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire
10 Slag Lane, Merseyside
9 Shitterton, Dorset
8 Back Passage, London
7 Fingringhoe, Essex
6 Muff, Northern Ireland
5 Sandy Balls, Hampshire
4 Twatt, Orkney
3 Bell End, Birmingham
2 Minge Lane, Worcestershire
1 Cocks, Cornwall


A Little boy went to his father and asked, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answered, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

Drill Sergeant Pick-Up Lines

"You'll only have to give me one pushup, soldier, if it's your bra."

"Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning."

"Drop and give me 20, on my lap."

"Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?"

"Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."


Abraham Lincoln observed that "It has long been recognized that the problems with alcohol elate not to the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing."

The U.S. has the strictest youth drinking laws in Western civilization.

Many high school cafeterias in Europe serve alcohol to their students who choose to drink.

Early recipes for beer included such ingredients as poppy seeds, mushrooms, aromatics, honey, sugar, bay leaves, butter and bread crumbs.

While in some countries the penalty for driving while intoxicated can be death (yes, death), in Uruguay intoxication is a legal excuse for having an accident while driving. "Please believe me officer, I really was drunk."

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that can be used at home.

As Magellan prepared to sail around the world in 1519, he spent more on Sherry than on weapons.

Frederick the Great of Prussia tried to ban the consumption of coffee and demanded that the populace drink alcohol instead.

During the reign of William III, a garden fountain was once used as a giant punch bowl. The recipe included 560 gallons of brandy, 1200 pounds of sugar, 25,000 lemons, 20 gallons of lime juice, and five pounds of nutmeg. The bartender rowed around in a small boat, filling up guests' punch cups.

Alcohol is considered the only proper payment for teachers among the Lepcha people of Tibet.

The shallow champagne glass originated with Marie Antoinette. It was first formed from wax molds made of her breasts.

In the 1800's, rum was considered excellent for cleaning hair and keeping it healthy. Brandy was believed to strengthen hair roots.

Drinking lowers rather than raises the body temperature. There is an illusion of increased heat because alcohol causes the capillaries to dilate and fill with more warm blood.


Take the exam and see how well you score.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I bet you thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.


When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Just think. You are paying taxes to support these idiots.

You Might Be From Las Vegas If

You no longer associate bridges with water.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You learn that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The Top 5 Bad Directives to Put in Your Living Will

5) "First person to correctly guess my weight gets to pull the plug!"

4) "If technology advances so that memories can be extracted from the brain, please realize that 'Mexico City, three bottles of tequila and a burro named Lupita was only a dream."

3) "Do not resuscitate if a Ben Affleck movie is currently in theaters."

2) "Seeing as how I'm making this living will in 2006, I trust the government has sorted out the whole 'right-to-die' issue by now."

1) "Mouth-to-mouth to be performed only by Siegfried, NOT ROY!"


Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.


Top 5 Signs You Got a Bad Dog Show Judge

 5. He remarks that your Labrador retriever reminds him of his seeing-eye dog.

 4. Awards an extra 10 points for dogs who look like Tori Spelling.

 3. "No, no, NO!  This is the proper way to sniff a butt!"

 2. Rannounces rall ris rerults rin rat ramned Rooby Roo roice.

 1. Little comments like "Oh YEAH! Put that good-looking bitch up here and stand by with a bucket of cold water!"



 Mary, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

 The local priest walked by and gave her a glare. "Mary! Smoking at such a young age!  Aren't you ashamed?"

 "What?" said Mary. "You got something better to do after sex?"



Naked Karaoke will give a whole new meaning to the phrase “sing along with the bouncing ball.”

Here are the rules for Naked Karaoke:

1. All nude vocalists will be required to sing in the key of “B natural.”

2. Singers who don’t remove their clothes must pay a cover charge.

3. Any singers doing a number longer than four minutes are going to be asked to shave it down.

4. Conductors must bring their own baton.

5. All those entering will be judged on vocal quality, range, style, and of course, pole work.

6. A male duo or group cannot approach the stage until all members are accounted for.

7. Remember, gentlemen, that the best posture for singing is to stand erect.

8. Requests for Bare Naked Ladies must be honored.

9. Proper I.D. is required.  You will not be admitted if you are over 40.

10. And finally, no fat chicks.


 A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

 "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

 Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!

 "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.

 Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

 "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.

 "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE.'"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

 One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

 The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


Picture this guy driving down the highway doing around 70 MPH with these balloons following him.

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Where can I get these balloons?


 A team of archeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were ancient symbols. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

 The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

 The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

 "This is a woman. We can judge these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey so; they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."

 The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a wise old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "You idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman."


Write your own message in the snow. Spelling doesn't count.

BACK IN 1850

California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money and almost  everyone spoke Spanish. And, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

So, basically, it was just like California today. Only back then the women had real breasts.

You know you are getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


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Updated - Tuesday, December 30, 2008 11:38:40 PM