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Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2007
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding. Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029 Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers; screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Just Go Fishing A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65" The boss asks, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
Panhandlers Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars." Carlos asks, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico!"
The Not So Dumb Blonde A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up And asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Preventative Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
The Dot For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.
Redneck Pick-up Lines Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Colonoscopies A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately males) while he was performing their colonoscopies. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" "Now I know why I am not gay." "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. A little further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About a mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Things People Say Or Do That Make Absolutely No Sense People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, where the is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Absolutely! What good is cake if you can't eat it? When people say, "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" They didn't really give me a choice. When something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new. When people say, "life is short". Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here?
Gay Flight Attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Hillary Clinton vs. God Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."
Holy Hair Dryer A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest who was seated beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps". "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
CHURCH LANGUAGE A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
INDIAN WISDOM Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Earthquake In Mexico A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
Buying A New TV While traveling on my vacation, I went to one of the local electronics box stores with a couple of friends, as they were interested in a new TV. We looked at the displays and I chose a model that I believed to be of good quality. I asked the clerk, "Could you tell me where this was made?" He looked at the display model for a while and said that he wasn't sure, as he couldn't find anything on the set itself. I asked him if he could go out back and check the box before he dragged one out. I told him I was curious and just wanted to know where the set was built. He disappeared for a while and returned with a smile on his face. He said, "The box says 'Built In Antenna.'" We immediately left the store.
Business Proposition Joe wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office....but she was dating someone else. One day Joe got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Joe said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend....so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
From 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds Mike forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mike got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mike is not yet well enough to have visitors.
Talking & Reading Dog A young farm lad from northern Alabama goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Auburn that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" (The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.)
The Accident I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended a car. We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!! He was pissed! He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!" I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"
Redneck Logic Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says, "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."
Now that's a real blender!
Moose Hunters Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them he can take only three moose. The two Poles objected strongly stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same size plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?" Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
OSAMA HEAT After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, George Washington greeted him. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose. James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledgehammer and whacked Osama's knees. Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged. As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
DEAR TIDE LETTER Dear Tide, I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
PONDERISMS I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
The Sideman Musician's By-Laws Never recommend anyone who plays better than you. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.) If you don't know it, play harmony. Double book, then choose. Always assume the leader knows nothing. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks. Never play requests (especially if you know it). Never smile. Always complain. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.) Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor. Always open spit valves over music. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos. Always worship dead jazz greats. Be negative about anything connected with the job. Always bring drinks back to the band stand. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh. Always bum a ride. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.). Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"? Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
Things A Naked Man Doesn't Want To Hear 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of Clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. ####, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?
GOD MISSING IN WASHINGTON God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace. Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
DADDY, THE EXOTIC DANCER One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Demographics of American Newspapers The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. Example: Ted Kennedy. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country . . . or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.
PREACHER'S RAISE There was a preacher who's wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."
BASEBALL FRIENDS Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played Minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one Favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's Baseball there." Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Moe-Moe." "Who is it?," asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven." replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching the game on Tuesday."
NEW LADY LAWYER Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?" She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer. 8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Furniture that lasts a lifetime and beyond. This gives a whole new meaning to the words "end table." All sales may be final!
Hillary's First Night As President Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears, Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Oh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
To my darling husband, Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing . I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
VICTORIA'S SECRET A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife notices the $500 price tag and thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She removes the negligee and appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday at Noon with a closed coffin.
IRISH TOURIST IN NEW YORK Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
TARZAN NOT KNOW SEX When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs." The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids." The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous." "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework." "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store." To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street: The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Shit Happens: A Compendium of Ontological Perspectives SHIT Equation
As American Idol's, Simon Cowell would say, I don't mean to be rude but that was totally hideous. Hopefully, she won't be making it to the next round.
BLONDE TWINS The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She replied, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
Do we really need these warnings? My personal favorites include: On a bicycle: "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle." On a car sun shield: "Do not drive with shield in place." On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts" On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." On a Swedish Chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with your hands or genitals." Keep in mind that these warnings indicate that at least one individual may have tried this.
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Updated - Tuesday, December 30, 2008 11:39:19 PM
