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Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2011
Celebrating Christmas The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys. "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Angelo Ianucci , what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing Ave Maria , dance the Tarantella and when we get home we put almond cookies and Amaretto by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus"..........Then we all go to the Bahamas ..."
An update on Cinderella Cinderella is now 90 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch With a cat named Bob for companionship. One afternoon out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" "Cinderella," she replied, "You have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, She uttered her first wish, "The prince was wonderful but he was not a very good investor. I am living Hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I was quite wealthy. And, almost instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" "Well, it's the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked at her frail body and said, "I wish that I Was young again with the beauty and youth I once had." Her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful appearance returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. Then the fairy godmother said, "You have one more wish... What is it?" Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I would like to have Bob, my old cat, transformed into a kind and Handsome young man." Almost magically, the cat underwent a fundamental a change in his Biological make-up and, when he stood before her, he was a man so Handsome, the likes of him that she had never seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." And then, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Bob gazed into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most handsome and Stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, And he held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing into her golden hair with his warm breath, As he quietly whispered, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
Gas Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'!
The Golfing Nun A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green, and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex
Those Darn Fairies A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men should remember that fairies are female.
Black Bras size 38 A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?" The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."
New Job A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, Colorado, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana." "Good grief, is that where the job is?" "No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the ass hole is usually in charge.
Your Hair Smells Nice Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget".
The Ring A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' See, Not All Seniors Are Senile
The Holy Brothel A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third
sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of
the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing
business...' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on
this door.' He goes in and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This
nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the
end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling
it shut behind him The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS YOU SINNER!!
The Newlyweds Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
My Tax Return They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN! In response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, Half of Mexico, and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer but I still believe it's correct.
Bus Trip Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered. 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Confused about Service? Confused when you hear the word "Service" used with these agencies?: Internal Revenue 'Service' This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. However, today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had purchased a bull to 'Service' a few cows. Wow! It all came into focus. I now understand what all those agencies are doing to us. Hope you are now as enlightened as I am!
Cowboy Condom Purchase Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
4 Worms in Church A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol...Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke..Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive . So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration? Carol was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
BREAKING NEWS! To save the economy, on September 28, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
Computer beginnings! In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP). But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks. Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE) And that is how it all began.
An observation 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!
Just a pinch goes a long way A tough old cowboy from eastern Oregon counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Amazing Movie Test Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most. It really works! Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Blazing Saddles 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story
Dear Abby I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'. All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supported Barack Obama for President? Signed, Worried About My Reputation
I told my friend... This morning I waded across a raging river, No, I'm just a shitty golfer.
A Cup of Tea One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "'just the cutest thing!" Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Texas Poll: The latest telephone poll directed by Rick Perry, the Texas Governor, asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem." 71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."
Cashing a check President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID" Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am" Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check." Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single qualification I'm good at" Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Scottish Caddie During his vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. " The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."
Texting for Seniors Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts. ATD:
A NUN AT HOOTERS A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
Splinters A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
Grandmas don't know everything! Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.' 'Oh,' Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
This teacher is truly a genius! As the late Adrian Rogers said, "you cannot multiply wealth by dividing it." An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that.
Catching Wild Pigs A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government. In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?' The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity. The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. While we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will NEVER provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself. Keep your eyes on the newly elected politicians who are about to slam the gate on America.
Morning Whoopie - You will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
You gotta understand the problem before you can solve it - another life lesson The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.
A guide to spending your stimulus check Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
New Drivers This event actually happened yesterday at 5:30 PM in NY. Two vehicles, a pickup truck driven by my neighbor's high school senior son and a car driven by an 18 year old young lady, are approaching an intersection from opposite directions. They are just about equally distant from the traffic light when it turns green. Just as they are both in the intersection, the car makes a left turn with no signal and the truck T-bones the car. No one is seriously injured. The troopers arrived and asked the lady what happened and she says, "I had the green light so I turned". The trooper's jaw dropped and he asked her, "What color light did the truck have"? "I have no idea" she said, and that's when the trooper started writing out a whole bunch tickets just for her. Rookies!
New Job Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit. A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the white guy the job." Tyrone, "What 'cho mean, why you be doing that, you be racist? We both got 19 questions right? This is Detroit and I be Black, I should get the job." Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Tyrone said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?" Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don't know.'" You put down, 'Neither do I'.
4th Time Bride A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. 'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?' The bride-to-be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.' The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time---for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?' 'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.' 'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk. 'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
5 Year Old's First Job Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the new house next door to us."Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" Placing her hands on her waist the girl said, "I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock." Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Collective names for animals of all kinds! The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not, a Congress! I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
BEST JOKE OF 2011 George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth callsEngland and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
DIVORCE VS. MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! You should get a Divorce." The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Two Priests on Vacation Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Mary Ann.
The DC Priest In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke, "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Pelosi. The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.
Catholic last rites A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72
Woman Shot Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.
Riddle of the Day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. What is it? The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
A Sensitive Husband A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am." The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
Michigan Yoopers Declare War on Obama Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama?" a heavily accented Yooper voice said. "This is Sven, up here at Olies Bar and Steak House in Bruce Crossing, Michigan. I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Olie, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Pine's Bar. That makes eight!" Barack paused. "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Wow," said Sven. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Sven?" Barack asked. "Well sir, we have two 4-wheelers, a snowmobile, and Harry's trail grooming machine." President Obama sighed. "I have tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke" "Lord above", said Sven, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day, "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Olies ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well!" Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Sven that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Oh Lord," said Sven, "l'll have to call you back." Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. ""President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?" Well, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."
5 Year Old's First Job Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock."
The modern romance novel He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say: "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Italian Tomato Garden An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work because the ground was so hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
Religious Bra A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," Said the saleslady as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddle the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills." Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A} Almost Boobs.
Just Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears laughing.
Love Really IS Blind Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
The Robot Bartender Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?
WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear." "Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder." Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"
NO ARK in 2011 "In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every animal and seven of every clean animal along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard, and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then, the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I TOLD THEM THAT THE SEA WOULD BE COMING TO US, BUT THEY WOULD HEAR NOTHING OF IT. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that accommodations were too restrictive, and that it is cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work. The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a double rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' "No," said the Lord, "The government beat me to it."
A holy moment at Fenway Park Three nuns were attending a Red Sox game at Fenway Park, sitting in the right field box seats. Three men were sitting directly behind the nuns, readying to watch a ball game on a beautiful sunny afternoon. Because the nuns' habits were partially blocking their view, the three men decided to badger the nuns, hoping this action would be annoying enough causing the sisters to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy snarls, "Think I'm going to move to Wyoming, there's only 100 nuns living in the whole state." The next guy spoke up, saying, "I want to go to Montana, I hear only 50 nuns live there." Not to be outdone, the third guy pipes in, "I want to go to Idaho, there's only 25 nuns in the entire state." One of the nuns turned around and looking straight at the three men, in a very sweet, calm and innocent voice, proclaimed, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any nuns there!!!"
Explanation for being unfaithful The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Why a Republican brain is less costly than a Democrat's In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
The Medicine Man On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man. The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Heavenly help with golf A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes. Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying: "Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one." The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing." So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true. The voice boomed out again: "Take another practice swing." Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited .. A long silence followed ... Then the voice again: "Use the old ball."
Department of Labor The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate. Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one. Farmer: That would be me.
STAY I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
98 and no enemies! All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."
How the government stimulus package works It is a slow day in the small Colorado town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that is how a government "stimulus package" works.
Super Bowl Ticket A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Old Moped Man An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
Sweet Old Couple An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'. The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask what his name is.'
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Updated - Thursday, December 15, 2011 09:44:14 AM
