Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2016
What Causes Arthritis
The Dying Priest
Japanese Are Very Smart
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
You see, you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone.
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so itís 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Hillary.
Good News for Golfers
There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds. The USGA , the R&A, the PGA, after a private meeting with Hitlary Clinton, have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.
Carelessness or ignorance is not intent. No intent-no penalty stroke.
Rules in Florida
When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."
When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.
If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M., and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.
Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.
Tolls are a fact of life,--- the state has to make money, so deal with it!
I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction . . . that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.
Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.
If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost! If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, itís perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!
Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i. e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.
Know the difference between Sunpass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.
Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.
Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.
English is our first and second language.
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.
You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.
There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner - with more being built every day.
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.
It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas decorations.
In south Florida the four seasons are summer.
There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the USA!)
Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . . not weeknights or weekends . . . that's for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.
You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be canceled.
The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.
You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.
Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.
True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami .. These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.
Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing least one piece of gold lame'.
Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When seen, the head always has white hair, combed-over, and black wrap-around sunglasses.
Enemies - Meet Walter Barnes
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes." Then he calmly returned to his seat.
FOURSOME - WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
WHY, YOU ASK?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
You pick up a hitchhiker ... a beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful! You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed, but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.
Worst age to be?
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the WORST age to be," said the sixty-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee. But most of the time, nothing happens!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old man. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day but NOTHING happens!"
Then the oldest of the three men chimed in. "Actually," said the eighty-year-old man, "Eighty is the WORST age of all!"
The sixty-year-old man asked, "Do you have trouble peeing too?"
"Oh no. I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6:00 A.M.," the 80-year-old man replied.
The seventy-year-old man asked, "Do you have a problem having a bowel movement?"
"Oh no, no, no. I have one every morning at 6:30 A.M. religiously," the 80-year-old man replied.
Baffled by this, the sixty-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 A.M. and you poop every morning at 6:30 A.M. So what's so hard about being eighty-years-old?"
"Well, I don't wake up until 7 A.M.!"
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
The making of a politician...
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later went on to become a member of Congress...
That guy Next Door - Politically Incorrect Humor for the Hyper-Offended
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. "That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel."
Why Four Feet 8.5 Inches Is Very Important
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!
Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything. Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
It Happened at Wal-Mart
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Wal-Martians" is always good for some comic release. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people who frequent this establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations....
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.]
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Wal-Martian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "Nineteen thirty-six," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." (This was beginning to be way too much fun!)
"DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing! "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still top secret, and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, "Don't threaten me" look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was, and fled through the door. By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.
I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another deadly serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture.
He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car, and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day, I will go to the DMV - so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said "Retirement is boring" just needs the right kind of cap!
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Updated - Tuesday, November 15, 2016 07:02:17 PM