Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2016

$20.00

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

What Causes Arthritis
 
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
 
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
 
"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
 
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
 
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.
 
Then he returned to his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
 
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
 
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Hooker

An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

 In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?

"No" she says.

 "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

 "I pay you $300."

"No" she says.

"I pay you $400.

"No" she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be? So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

And that my friendly taxpayer, is exactly what the illegal immigrants are doing to us! Screwing us and we pay!

The Dying Priest
 
An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had served the people of the nation's capital for many years.
 
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
 
"Yes Father?" said the nurse.
 
"I would really like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama before I die" whispered the priest.
 
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
 
The nurse sent the request to Washington and waited for a response.
 
Soon an answer came back, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be delighted to visit the priest.
 
As they were driven to the hospital Hillary commented to Obama "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help my election prospects".
 
Obama agreed it was a good thing.
 
When they arrived at the priest's bedside, the Priest took Hillary's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left hand.
 
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
 
Finally Obama spoke "Father, of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?"
 
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life and behavior after our Lord and Savior."
 
"Amen" said Hillary.
 
"Amen" said Obama.
 
The old priest continued "Our Savior died between two lying, thieving bastards and I would like to do the same!"

Japanese Are Very Smart
 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
 
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
 
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."
 
Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
 
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
 
Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".
 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".
 
She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".
 
"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.
 
Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".
 
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
 
Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
 
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
 
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
 
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
 
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".
 
The teacher fainted.
 
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're F-- ked!"
 
Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008, when Obama was elected".

One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named  Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't    die!

You see, you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone.

Absolutely Brilliant!

COSTELLO:  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 5.6%.

COSTELLO:  That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%. 

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT:  5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO:  Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.

COSTELLO:  WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT:  No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO:  What point?

ABBOTT:  Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.  It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed. 

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. 

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.

Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? 

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo. 

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.

COSTELLO:  I don't even know what the hell I just said! 

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Hillary.

Good News for Golfers

There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds.  The USGA , the R&A, the PGA, after a private meeting with Hitlary Clinton,  have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.

Carelessness or ignorance is not intent. No intent-no penalty stroke.

Rules in Florida

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."                      

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.                      

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M., and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M.   This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.                      

Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.                     

Tolls are a fact of life,--- the state has to make money, so deal with it!                    

I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction . . . that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!                      

'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.                     

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.                       

If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!   If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, it’s perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!                     

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i. e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the  pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.  

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.                     

Know the difference between Sunpass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.                      

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.  Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.                      

Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.                      

English is our first and second language.                      

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.                      

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.                      

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.                      

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.                     

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.                      

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.                      

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner   - with more being built every day.                      

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.                      

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas decorations.                      

In south Florida the four seasons are summer.                      

There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it.  (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the USA!)                     

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.                      

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . . not weeknights or weekends . . . that's for the working folks.                      

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.                      

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember I-95 and I-75 run both ways.                   

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.                      

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.  But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees. 

With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be canceled.                      

The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.                     

You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.                      

Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3.  Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.                     

True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami .. These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.                     

Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing least one piece of gold lame'.                     

Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools. 

Enemies - Meet Walter  Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. 

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?" 

"Ninety-eight," he replied.  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."  Then he calmly returned to his seat.

FOURSOME - WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

STRESSSSSSS

You pick up a hitchhiker ... a beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful! You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed, but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Worst age to be?

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the WORST age to be," said the sixty-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee. But most of the time, nothing happens!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old man. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day but NOTHING happens!"

Then the oldest of the three men chimed in. "Actually," said the eighty-year-old man, "Eighty is the WORST age of all!"

The sixty-year-old man asked, "Do you have trouble peeing too?"

"Oh no. I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6:00 A.M.," the 80-year-old man replied.

The seventy-year-old man asked, "Do you have a problem having a bowel movement?"

"Oh no, no, no. I have one every morning at 6:30 A.M. religiously," the 80-year-old man replied.

Baffled by this, the sixty-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 A.M. and you poop every morning at 6:30 A.M. So what's so hard about being eighty-years-old?"

"Well, I don't wake up until 7 A.M.!"

TWO CROCODILES

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

The making of a politician...

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He later went on to become a member of Congress...

That guy Next Door - Politically Incorrect Humor for the Hyper-Offended

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. "That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel."

Why Four Feet 8.5 Inches Is Very Important

Railroad Tracks?

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything. Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

It Happened at Wal-Mart

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Wal-Martians" is always good for some comic release. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people who frequent this establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations....

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.]

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Wal-Martian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "Nineteen thirty-six," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." (This was beginning to be way too much fun!)

"DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing! "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still top secret, and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, "Don't threaten me" look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was, and fled through the door. By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.

I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another deadly serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture.

He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car, and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day, I will go to the DMV - so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said "Retirement is boring" just needs the right kind of cap!