Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2017
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey!Regards, Alan
It's not working!
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator. "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold . . .
What the hell is she talking about?
A Marine in a Nursing Home
Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'
"Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm
92, haven't had sex in 10 years, and they still call me, That F***ing
That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky. At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?""Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, 'Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'
'You don't know? You're, a Christian man, and don't know what's on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.Turning to the patient, the doctor said, 'Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, But I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough.'
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!”The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Only in America
A beautiful young blonde spots an 80 year old veteran drinking at the bar of a local veterans club. She walks over to the old guy and says, “Thank you for your service. To show my appreciation, for $200 I’ll do absolutely anything you’d like me to do. But you have to tell me in only three words.”
The old vet thinks a bit, gives her the $200 and says, “Paint my house.”
After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left, and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.
She said, "Who was that guy?"
Walking on the Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember - Exercise is good for you.”
“Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and it will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It won't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?”, said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check.
He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”
Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”
Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
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Updated - Saturday, November 18, 2017 06:26:15 PM