Info-Tainment Comedy Collection 2017

The Confession

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.  I have a confession to make.  I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse.  The temptation was just too great.  I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me.  It won’t happen again.  Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

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Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.

He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:

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Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text.  I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”  That’s today’s technology for you, hey!

It's not working!

I came home from the golf course today.  The wife had left a note on the refrigerator. "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!  Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold . . .

What the hell is she talking about?

A Marine in a Nursing Home

 The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a nursing home for retired  soldiers. They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

 A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit."How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

 "It's wonderful," said the old Marine. "Great chow, lots to do, and they treat everyone with great respect."

 "How so, Pop?"

 "Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'

 And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor."

 "That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?

The Cure

 Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky. At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

DEATH

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, 'Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'

'You don't know? You're, a Christian man, and don't know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

The Chauffeur

 A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his weekly check.  He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!”

Nudist Colony
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....        
 
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
 
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
 
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
 
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
 
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
 
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
 
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
 
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
 
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
 
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
 
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
 
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the  $500   membership fee.'
 
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'
 
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'

Only in America

A beautiful young blonde spots an 80 year old veteran drinking at the bar of a local veterans club. She walks over to the old guy and says, “Thank you for your service. To show my appreciation, for $200 I’ll do absolutely anything you’d like me to do. But you have to tell me in only three words.”

The old vet thinks a bit, gives her the $200 and says, “Paint my house.”

The Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left, and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. 

She said, "Who was that guy?"

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember - Exercise is good for you.”

“Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and it will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.   It won't hurt you to go walking with her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room  suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few  moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?”, said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check.

He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

 Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

 Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?